THE FIRST KISS

It’s the inspiration of love songs, the climax of soppy movies, a glorious milestone in a relationship and a huge achievement in anyone’s life – it’s up there with getting your restricted or graduating from uni.

But let’s be honest: it can also be one of the most awkward, embarrassing, pressured, sloppy, dry, disappointing or humorous moments we experience. So why exactly do we kiss? When should we kiss? And, the question on everyone’s lips (excuse the pun), how should we kiss?

Okay, so mine took 24 years to come. 24 long years! It’s not that I didn’t want to, because I really did. In fact, a week before turning sweet 16, I remember frantically trying to arrange my first kiss (obviously that plan didn’t quite work). You see, I was freaked out by girls. It took ’til age 15 to discover I could actually talk to a girl as a normal human being. On top of this, I had an inner desire that my first should be perfect: just me and the love of my life on a deserted beach, with the sun setting, Mentos-fresh breath, serenaded by the melodies of two hearts becoming one as our perfectly moistened lips gravitated toward each other… (cough, cough)… yeah, you get the picture. So with this high standard it’s no wonder that I didn’t kiss any of my teen romances.

As it turned out, however, at 24 on a hot summer’s evening, sitting opposite the girl who is now my wife, on an isolated beach, I had my first kiss. It was a really big moment, although slightly awkward (on my behalf), but definitely well worth the wait.

For others, though, the story is very different. Rebekah explains, “I can’t remember my first kiss, I was so young… I wish someone had told me that I didn’t have to let friends touch and kiss me. At eight years old I just thought it was something you were meant to do.”

And Michael had another experience altogether. “At high school I’d approach relationships as a game; the pash-and-dash was just another thing you could brag to your mates about. I would meet a new girl and think, ‘I wonder what it’d be like to kiss her’.” We all have our own kissing history; what does yours look like?

We did a survey of a bunch of 20-somethings and found that the average age of the first kiss was around 16. There were some who were yet to have their first, and others had been young culprits (or victims) of primary school catch-’n’-kiss. Interestingly, on average the survey-ees rated their first kiss a measly four out of ten (with ten being amazing). But what really stood out in the survey is that everyone is different and that, contrary to what we’ve all been told, there’s no set age or standard you need to live up to. So let’s explore kissing a little further…

The Case for Kissing

There’s a heap of explanations of why we want to do it. In fact, kissing’s got its very own science, in philematology. Different kissing theories include everything from an evolutionary chemical love-compatibility test through the exchange of saliva to a flashback to the emotions you felt when your mother fed you (ew!).

What scientists do know, however, is that your lips and tongue are packed full of nerve endings, meaning they are super-sensitive and, if caressed in the right way, will create some exciting sensations. So with the ability for sparks to fly, kissing obviously makes a good means of communicating your feelings to that special someone. And I think more than anything it’s the message that we send, whether we know it or not, that makes kissing such a big deal. A kiss is able to communicate our attraction and commitment to the other person in a way that words never could, and it also sends a signal to others that this person holds a special place in our heart.

The challenge is that we all interpret the message of a kiss in different ways. For me, it was huge, effectively carrying the words “I love you”, but for Michael (representing another extreme) it was just a game. We find this diversity amongst different cultures as well, with some that very rarely kiss (even between husband and wife) and others that give a peck on the lips to practically anyone.

So when should we kiss?

If Jesus said, “Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them” (Matthew 7:12), should we interpret this as, “I feel like receiving a random pash, so okay, I’ll give one”? You can imagine if we applied this we’d all be playing catch-’n’-kiss for the rest of our lives. Instead I think the way to treat that special someone as you would like to be treated is to truthfully ask yourself what you really want from a relationship. Inside I think we all agree we’re after a deep connection, to truly know someone and share our lives with them. So this is what we should give first – true relationship.

In doing so, you’ll come to understand what a kiss means to the other person (because we’re all different) and together you’ll find the appropriate stage in the relationship. For this reason I don’t think there can be a set age or stage that you begin to move from holding hands to making out, as long as the desire for true friendship always comes first. It might be that you both decide not to kiss for a time, and that’s fine. There’s no rule that says you need to pash to enjoy a romantic relationship.

Joshua Harris, the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, also warns that the physical aspect that kissing introduces can provide another distraction to developing a meaningful relationship. Rebekah confesses, “I find that one thing can easily lead to another. My boyfriend and I often have had ‘pash fasts’ for a month or so. We’ve found we grow closer in these times more than ever before – you’re more focused on the person.”

Once you’ve passed the first kiss it can definitely become a slippery slope towards being involved sexually – and really quickly too. In an attempt to please one another more and more, we can often forget that the main thing we desire and need is spiritual and emotional intimacy, but instead we focus on giving and receiving physically. This cannot only deprive the non-physical parts of the relationship but it can also sap the physical parts of their deeper meaning. A kiss based on real love and commitment will always be more passionate and more fulfilling than an isolated incident of tonsil-tag!

God created kissing. He wants us to enjoy another person’s lips (check out Song of Solomon 4:3&11, 5:13). But like anything enjoyable, He asks us to not let it master us: it should always come a distant second to our relationship with God and with others. Whether you’re yet to have your first or you’ve just finished a game of spin-the-bottle, you can ask God to help your next kiss, whenever it might be, to be one that glorifies Him and shows His love and true care for others – and enjoy it!

Kissing Facts

34 facial muscles are used when you kiss.

A one minute kiss can burn up to 20 calories.

On average we spend two weeks of our lives kissing.

2/3 of kissers tilt their head to the right.

In 1990, a US man kissed 8,001 people in eight hours.

According to research, a 30-min pash may cure hay fever.

Hayden Shearman