THE WANDERING EYE

Since the age of ten or eleven, I’ve had a cloud hanging over my life that I haven’t been able to fully shake. It’s something that I know most guys (and no small percentage of girls as well) struggle with, but it’s a topic that is so rarely discussed that most of us think we are alone in it. *whisperwhisper*masturba*whisper* rnography*whisper*hubbadahubbada*whisper*

So often, lust, masturbation, pornography, going ‘too far’ with your boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. are seen as inappropriate topics of conversation in ‘good Christian company’. That needs to change. We need to get talking to each other about the problems we struggle with.

Right as I type this, there’s a feature on Sky 1 about a lingerie fashion shoot. A large part of me really wants to turn the television on and watch it. My flatmates are out, it’s quiet, and I’m having trouble keeping my mind from wandering. Even if there weren’t mostly naked women parading around on the TV, I currently have a fast, wireless internet connection on my computer. I am roughly 12 seconds away from more pornography than I could shake a stick (or anything else) at. However, for tonight at least, I’m NOT going to turn the TV on, and I AM going to stay away from the shady sites. I would like to put this all down to my awesome willpower and moral fortitude, but it’s not.

About a year ago, some of my flatmates started an accountability group among themselves. A couple of months after it started, I was in the lounge one day when two of them were discussing it. My flatmate looked over at me and asked, “Dude, is this something you need to sort out? You wanna join us?” I froze, went red, and stammered out a quiet “…y-yeah, I guess so.” The next time they all met, I showed up as well. For the first time in my life, I told other guys about how I had been masturbating regularly since a young age, and couldn’t stop looking at porn on my computer. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever made myself do, but the relief I felt afterwards was immeasurable. I felt… cleaner somehow.

The reason for my recent strength is that in a few days time, I will return to this lounge with four of my closest friends and confess to them all the times my eyes wandered, all the times my thoughts strayed, and all the times in the week when I followed those thoughts to their messy, lonely conclusion. And it will be the most liberating, scary thing I do all week. Afterwards, we’ll pray, make jokes about it all, and go on our way. I realise it all sounds very touchy-feely-holdhands- and-sing-Kumbaya’, but trying to break this kind of addiction by yourself just doesn’t work.

Even with the group, I still don’t find it easy. As with most things in life, I go through seasons, fluctuating between iron control and absolute surrender. I have had periods since I joined the group over a year ago where I would be back week after week, shamefully telling my story of weakness and woe. Other times, I can go for months without putting a foot wrong, my halo lighting my way through the darkness. The thing is, everyone in our group is in exactly the same situation. It’s an amazing thing to know that every time you struggle throughout the week, all you need to do is flick out a quick text, and there are four other people who will drop whatever it is they’re doing right then to pray for you. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” (James 5:16)

There’s no twelve-step programme for all this (“Hi, I’m Dirk, and I’m a pornoholic…”), but there are a couple of things that do help, and aren’t too difficult to do:

Tell somebody.

Well, okay, so this one is difficult at first. But this is also the most important point. If you struggle with this kind of thing, I promise you: you’re NOT alone. Chances are, a good number of people that you know also struggle with similar issues, but they’re all just as scared as you of telling anyone else. Brutally honest accountability is so, SO important in breaking the holds this has on your life. Organise to meet once a week/fortnight/hour, whatever time period you need to keep yourself under control. And the telling-other-people part gets much easier after the initial shock, I assure you.

Shut it down early.

I know you will have heard it hundreds of times before, and I know that the verse has been used a number of times in this issue of SP alone, but there is no more relevant verse here than 2 Corinthians 10:5 – “…take every though captive to obey Christ.” Shut it down early. The longer you let a thought sit in your mind, the further and further it goes, until it’s nearly unstoppable. “Then desire when it has conceived, gives birth to sin” (James 1:15). Praying on the spot for God to take away thoughts has aided me more often than I can remember. However, it’s not enough to just NOT think about something. This can be almost impossible, in fact (quick, don’t think about elephants!). You need to actually run away from that thought, think about something else. Like kittens, or pizza, or elephants (Haha, gotcha). Which brings me to the next point.

Run away. Literally, if necessary.

Do everything you can to keep yourself out of situations where you may be tempted. Don’t go into magazine shops if you know you can’t stop looking at the nearly naked people on the covers. Commit to never using the intarwebs when there’s nobody around, things like that. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to get yourself out of compromising situations. But make sure you do your best to not get into them in the first place. By pursuing righteousness, your conscience ends up being sharpened to the point where you are more easily able to identify thoughts that need to be shut down, which is when the previous point comes in. The question you should be asking is not “How far can I go?” but “How pure can I be?” If, to maintain your purity, that means leaving the situation you’re in, DO IT.

2 Timothy 2: 20-22 – In a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay; some for honourable use and some for dishonourable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonourable, he will be a vessel for honourable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work. So flee youthful passions, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.

One of the main problems with lust, pornography, masturbation, etc., is that it all cheapens the way we view other people. For some reason, society seems to be moving away from seeing pornography as objectifying the human body and cheapening sexual involvement, and moving towards it being an acceptable part of life. However, if you’re walking around all day with your head filled with improper images or thoughts, even if it’s no more than “Hey, nice butt”, they’re going to affect your perception of others.

There are a couple of things we need to get straight here.

Girls: It’s not your fault. People do things for reasons, and his reason for doing what he does was established long before you became his girlfriend/ friend/wife. The problem with porn, masturbation, lust, etc. is that it isn’t actually the problem, it’s a symptom of what’s actually wrong. Many guys start this addiction to fill a gaping hole called insignificance or confusion or loneliness. Because it fills a need, it begins to feel as though he can’t live without it. No matter how healthy the rest of his relationships are, this part of his identity is propped up on this lie. But don’t worry, because the Bible says that you can be transformed by the renewing of your mind! Renewal takes time, but it will be worth it. Just support him, speak truth (in love!) and try to remember that it isn’t you…

Guys: While you may try to separate your hidden lust life from your relationships, it’s impossible to do. Your view of your girlfriend, and all your friends-who-are-girls, is going to be tainted by checking out other chicks. Also, don’t think she doesn’t notice. She will, and it will hurt her. Even if she doesn’t see you doing it, you’re hurting the relationship by finding fulfilment in other places. Breaking addictions to these things will make your relationships much, much stronger by removing barriers that are stopping you from seeing her as she really is.

By Anon