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THE FIRST KISS
It’s the inspiration of love songs, the climax of soppy movies, a glorious milestone in a relationship and a huge achievement in anyone’s life – it’s up there with getting your restricted or graduating from uni.
But let’s be honest: it can also be one of the most awkward, embarrassing, pressured, sloppy, dry, disappointing or humorous moments we experience. So why exactly do we kiss? When should we kiss? And, the question on everyone’s lips (excuse the pun), how should we kiss?
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Picture by OGeorge |
Okay, so mine took 24 years to come. 24 long years! It’s not that I didn’t want to, because I really did. In fact, a week before turning sweet 16, I remember frantically trying to arrange my first kiss (obviously that plan didn’t quite work). You see, I was freaked out by girls. It took ’til age 15 to discover I could actually talk to a girl as a normal human being. On top of this, I had an inner desire that my first should be perfect: just me and the love of my life on a deserted beach, with the sun setting, Mentos-fresh breath, serenaded by the melodies of two hearts becoming one as our perfectly moistened lips gravitated toward each other… (cough, cough)… yeah, you get the picture. So with this high standard it’s no wonder that I didn’t kiss any of my teen romances.
As it turned out, however, at 24 on a hot summer’s evening, sitting opposite the girl who is now my wife, on an isolated beach, I had my first kiss. It was a really big moment, although slightly awkward (on my behalf), but definitely well worth the wait.
For others, though, the story is very different. Rebekah explains, “I can’t remember my first kiss, I was so young… I wish someone had told me that I didn’t have to let friends touch and kiss me. At eight years old I just thought it was something you were meant to do.”
And Michael had another experience altogether. “At high school I’d approach relationships as a game; the pash-and-dash was just another thing you could brag to your mates about. I would meet a new girl and think, ‘I wonder what it’d be like to kiss her’.” We all have our own kissing history; what does yours look like?
We did a survey of a bunch of 20-somethings and found that the average age of the first kiss was around 16. There were some who were yet to have their first, and others had been young culprits (or victims) of primary school catch-’n’-kiss. Interestingly, on average the survey-ees rated their first kiss a measly four out of ten (with ten being amazing). But what really stood out in the survey is that everyone is different and that, contrary to what we’ve all been told, there’s no set age or standard you need to live up to. So let’s explore kissing a little further…
The Case for Kissing
There’s a heap of explanations of why we want to do it. In fact, kissing’s got its very own science, in philematology. Different kissing theories include everything from an evolutionary chemical love-compatibility test through the exchange of saliva to a flashback to the emotions you felt when your mother fed you (ew!).
| A KISS BASED ON REAL LOVE AND COMMITMENT WILL ALWAYS BE MORE PASSIONATE AND MORE FULFILLING THAN AN ISOLATED INCIDENT OF TONSIL-TAG! |
What scientists do know, however, is that your lips and tongue are packed full of nerve endings, meaning they are super-sensitive and, if caressed in the right way, will create some exciting sensations. So with the ability for sparks to fly, kissing obviously makes a good means of communicating your feelings to that special someone. And I think more than anything it’s the message that we send, whether we know it or not, that makes kissing such a big deal. A kiss is able to communicate our attraction and commitment to the other person in a way that words never could, and it also sends a signal to others that this person holds a special place in our heart.
The challenge is that we all interpret the message of a kiss in different ways. For me, it was huge, effectively carrying the words “I love you”, but for Michael (representing another extreme) it was just a game. We find this diversity amongst different cultures as well, with some that very rarely kiss (even between husband and wife) and others that give a peck on the lips to practically anyone.
So when should we kiss?
If Jesus said, “Whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them” (Matthew 7:12), should we interpret this as, “I feel like receiving a random pash, so okay, I’ll give one”? You can imagine if we applied this we’d all be playing catch-’n’-kiss for the rest of our lives. Instead I think the way to treat that special someone as you would like to be treated is to truthfully ask yourself what you really want from a relationship. Inside I think we all agree we’re after a deep connection, to truly know someone and share our lives with them. So this is what we should give first – true relationship.
In doing so, you’ll come to understand what a kiss means to the other person (because we’re all different) and together you’ll find the appropriate stage in the relationship. For this reason I don’t think there can be a set age or stage that you begin to move from holding hands to making out, as long as the desire for true friendship always comes first. It might be that you both decide not to kiss for a time, and that’s fine. There’s no rule that says you need to pash to enjoy a romantic relationship.
Joshua Harris, the author of I Kissed Dating Goodbye, also warns that the physical aspect that kissing introduces can provide another distraction to developing a meaningful relationship. Rebekah confesses, “I find that one thing can easily lead to another. My boyfriend and I often have had ‘pash fasts’ for a month or so. We’ve found we grow closer in these times more than ever before – you’re more focused on the person.”
Once you’ve passed the first kiss it can definitely become a slippery slope towards being involved sexually – and really quickly too. In an attempt to please one another more and more, we can often forget that the main thing we desire and need is spiritual and emotional intimacy, but instead we focus on giving and receiving physically. This cannot only deprive the non-physical parts of the relationship but it can also sap the physical parts of their deeper meaning. A kiss based on real love and commitment will always be more passionate and more fulfilling than an isolated incident of tonsil-tag!
God created kissing. He wants us to enjoy another person’s lips (check out Song of Solomon 4:3&11, 5:13). But like anything enjoyable, He asks us to not let it master us: it should always come a distant second to our relationship with God and with others. Whether you’re yet to have your first or you’ve just finished a game of spin-the-bottle, you can ask God to help your next kiss, whenever it might be, to be one that glorifies Him and shows His love and true care for others – and enjoy it!
Kissing Facts
34 facial muscles are used when you kiss.
A one minute kiss can burn up to 20 calories.
On average we spend two weeks of our lives kissing.
2/3 of kissers tilt their head to the right.
In 1990, a US man kissed 8,001 people in eight hours.
According to research, a 30-min pash may cure hay fever.
Hayden Shearman
GIRLS | CONFESSIONS OF A SIDE-KICK
When I was in Standard Four, my psycho teacher made us play that game ‘Drop the Can’ every single day. It’s the game where you sit around in a circle and the person holding the can runs around picking up a boy-girl train. That game has scared me for life. I had that squeezed feeling in my stomach every time the train passed me by, and I got the message: “You haven’t been chosen.”
Something inside us girls longs to be picked out from the crowd. But I had the message that other girls got to be the heroine, the object of desire, and I got the role of ‘sidekick’. Awesome.
If I liked a guy that didn’t like me back, it seemed like more evidence that I wasn’t the chosen one. The only cure was taking to my bed, and crying into a tub of icecream, ‘What’s wrong with me!?’ The enemy whispered sweet nothings in my ear about not being attractive enough, about not being girlfriend material, and I asked those lies into my heart.
Counsellors tell us that we can only control ourselves, so we blame ourselves when something hurts us. We say, “What’s wrong with me? I need to be prettier, more outgoing, less outgoing” …and so on. It’s the only way we know how to control our world.
But we can’t control the world, we can’t even control boys. Not everyone that we fancy will fancy us. Just like we don’t fancy everyone we know. It doesn’t mean that we will always be the sidekick and never the one.
The only real cure to believing lies is to believe the truth. And the truth is that being rejected by a guy doesn’t feel good, but it does not define who you are.
Telling yourself the truth is really hard work. Sometimes what feels true is actually a lie, and what feels like a lie is the truth. I may feel rejected, unlovable and not good enough, but God tells me in His Word that I am chosen. God declares with his entire Creation that I am loved, valued and beautiful in His eyes. He has surrounded me with friends, who testify to the fact that I am accepted, just as I am.
God tells us to take every thought captive, and that takes endurance and discipline. The other day I was talking about boys with my friend and she started to say something like, “What’s wrong with me?” But she didn’t even let herself finish the thought, she got angry and said, “No, no I’m not going to think about the things I don’t like about myself. I used to do that, and now I won’t even speak it out loud. As soon as I think it, I say ‘No!’”.
The cool thing is that she told me those negative thoughts hardly ever pop into her mind anymore. She is one girl who has learnt how to take her thoughts captive. It’s the kind of fighting talk that belongs to the heroine, not the sidekick. And I want to be more like that, because I know that I am God’s chosen one.
Side Note | Little-known fact about boys: Playing ‘Drop the Can’
A typical ten-year-old guy feels stink choosing the girl he secretly likes, cause then everyone will know he likes her. However, this would often cause the girl to think he didn’t like her, when in actual fact, he did… he just wasn’t able to show it. Moral of the story: things aren’t always as they appear!
Ingrid Goodwin
THE WANDERING EYE
Since the age of ten or eleven, I’ve had a cloud hanging over my life that I haven’t been able to fully shake. It’s something that I know most guys (and no small percentage of girls as well) struggle with, but it’s a topic that is so rarely discussed that most of us think we are alone in it. *whisperwhisper*masturba*whisper* rnography*whisper*hubbadahubbada*whisper*
So often, lust, masturbation, pornography, going ‘too far’ with your boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. are seen as inappropriate topics of conversation in ‘good Christian company’. That needs to change. We need to get talking to each other about the problems we struggle with.
Right as I type this, there’s a feature on Sky 1 about a lingerie fashion shoot. A large part of me really wants to turn the television on and watch it. My flatmates are out, it’s quiet, and I’m having trouble keeping my mind from wandering. Even if there weren’t mostly naked women parading around on the TV, I currently have a fast, wireless internet connection on my computer. I am roughly 12 seconds away from more pornography than I could shake a stick (or anything else) at. However, for tonight at least, I’m NOT going to turn the TV on, and I AM going to stay away from the shady sites. I would like to put this all down to my awesome willpower and moral fortitude, but it’s not.
About a year ago, some of my flatmates started an accountability group among themselves. A couple of months after it started, I was in the lounge one day when two of them were discussing it. My flatmate looked over at me and asked, “Dude, is this something you need to sort out? You wanna join us?” I froze, went red, and stammered out a quiet “…y-yeah, I guess so.” The next time they all met, I showed up as well. For the first time in my life, I told other guys about how I had been masturbating regularly since a young age, and couldn’t stop looking at porn on my computer. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever made myself do, but the relief I felt afterwards was immeasurable. I felt… cleaner somehow.
The reason for my recent strength is that in a few days time, I will return to this lounge with four of my closest friends and confess to them all the times my eyes wandered, all the times my thoughts strayed, and all the times in the week when I followed those thoughts to their messy, lonely conclusion. And it will be the most liberating, scary thing I do all week. Afterwards, we’ll pray, make jokes about it all, and go on our way. I realise it all sounds very touchy-feely-holdhands- and-sing-Kumbaya’, but trying to break this kind of addiction by yourself just doesn’t work.
Even with the group, I still don’t find it easy. As with most things in life, I go through seasons, fluctuating between iron control and absolute surrender. I have had periods since I joined the group over a year ago where I would be back week after week, shamefully telling my story of weakness and woe. Other times, I can go for months without putting a foot wrong, my halo lighting my way through the darkness. The thing is, everyone in our group is in exactly the same situation. It’s an amazing thing to know that every time you struggle throughout the week, all you need to do is flick out a quick text, and there are four other people who will drop whatever it is they’re doing right then to pray for you. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” (James 5:16)
There’s no twelve-step programme for all this (“Hi, I’m Dirk, and I’m a pornoholic…”), but there are a couple of things that do help, and aren’t too difficult to do:
Tell somebody.
Well, okay, so this one is difficult at first. But this is also the most important point. If you struggle with this kind of thing, I promise you: you’re NOT alone. Chances are, a good number of people that you know also struggle with similar issues, but they’re all just as scared as you of telling anyone else. Brutally honest accountability is so, SO important in breaking the holds this has on your life. Organise to meet once a week/fortnight/hour, whatever time period you need to keep yourself under control. And the telling-other-people part gets much easier after the initial shock, I assure you.
Shut it down early.
I know you will have heard it hundreds of times before, and I know that the verse has been used a number of times in this issue of SP alone, but there is no more relevant verse here than 2 Corinthians 10:5 – “…take every though captive to obey Christ.” Shut it down early. The longer you let a thought sit in your mind, the further and further it goes, until it’s nearly unstoppable. “Then desire when it has conceived, gives birth to sin” (James 1:15). Praying on the spot for God to take away thoughts has aided me more often than I can remember. However, it’s not enough to just NOT think about something. This can be almost impossible, in fact (quick, don’t think about elephants!). You need to actually run away from that thought, think about something else. Like kittens, or pizza, or elephants (Haha, gotcha). Which brings me to the next point.
Run away. Literally, if necessary.
Do everything you can to keep yourself out of situations where you may be tempted. Don’t go into magazine shops if you know you can’t stop looking at the nearly naked people on the covers. Commit to never using the intarwebs when there’s nobody around, things like that. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do to get yourself out of compromising situations. But make sure you do your best to not get into them in the first place. By pursuing righteousness, your conscience ends up being sharpened to the point where you are more easily able to identify thoughts that need to be shut down, which is when the previous point comes in. The question you should be asking is not “How far can I go?” but “How pure can I be?” If, to maintain your purity, that means leaving the situation you’re in, DO IT.
2 Timothy 2: 20-22 – In a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay; some for honourable use and some for dishonourable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonourable, he will be a vessel for honourable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work. So flee youthful passions, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.
One of the main problems with lust, pornography, masturbation, etc., is that it all cheapens the way we view other people. For some reason, society seems to be moving away from seeing pornography as objectifying the human body and cheapening sexual involvement, and moving towards it being an acceptable part of life. However, if you’re walking around all day with your head filled with improper images or thoughts, even if it’s no more than “Hey, nice butt”, they’re going to affect your perception of others.
There are a couple of things we need to get straight here.
Girls: It’s not your fault. People do things for reasons, and his reason for doing what he does was established long before you became his girlfriend/ friend/wife. The problem with porn, masturbation, lust, etc. is that it isn’t actually the problem, it’s a symptom of what’s actually wrong. Many guys start this addiction to fill a gaping hole called insignificance or confusion or loneliness. Because it fills a need, it begins to feel as though he can’t live without it. No matter how healthy the rest of his relationships are, this part of his identity is propped up on this lie. But don’t worry, because the Bible says that you can be transformed by the renewing of your mind! Renewal takes time, but it will be worth it. Just support him, speak truth (in love!) and try to remember that it isn’t you…
Guys: While you may try to separate your hidden lust life from your relationships, it’s impossible to do. Your view of your girlfriend, and all your friends-who-are-girls, is going to be tainted by checking out other chicks. Also, don’t think she doesn’t notice. She will, and it will hurt her. Even if she doesn’t see you doing it, you’re hurting the relationship by finding fulfilment in other places. Breaking addictions to these things will make your relationships much, much stronger by removing barriers that are stopping you from seeing her as she really is.
By Anon
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